


The Shire’s Greatest Fire Hazard

by octopus_fool



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Christmas Tree, Humor, M/M, Snark, Tiny Smaug - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-01
Updated: 2018-01-01
Packaged: 2019-02-26 07:52:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13231308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/octopus_fool/pseuds/octopus_fool
Summary: Thorin and Bilbo have a problem. It may be small, but it is very persistant... and a fire hazard.





	The Shire’s Greatest Fire Hazard

“Oh no, not this too!” Bilbo groaned as he entered the parlour of Bag End. “Thorin, come here and see what he did this time! This can’t go on this way!”

Thorin warily joined Bilbo in the door to the parlour. 

“Did you let him in here?” Bilbo asked.

“No, and I made sure he didn’t slip in too.” Thorin frowned. “Fíli! Kíli!”

The smial remained silent, but from the snow-covered hill outside, they could hear laughter and the sound of sticks thudding against each other in combat.

“We’ll give them a good talking to later. First, we need to take care of this. My lovely decorations, reduced to _this_! And I put in so much effort into putting them all up. I was sure I would outdo Lobelia this year.”

“Don’t worry, I’m sure we’ll get him to return things to the way they were,” Thorin tried to console him. 

Bilbo looked at him sceptically. “How do you plan to do that?”

“I’ll just talk to him reasonably.” Thorin took a step toward the Yule tree. “Right Smaug? You’ll put everything back in order.”

Bilbo held his breath as Thorin took another step towards the tree. The small dragon perched on the tree crouched and bristled, ready to attack whoever dare approach the branch on which he had gathered all the baubles, tinsel and everything else that sparked or shone.

“It is mine!” he hissed. “Nobody touches my hoard!”

Smaug flung one of the cookies Bilbo had hung on the tree at Thorin. It bounced off his nose and Thorin took a step back. 

“Alright, talking to him reasonably might not work as well as I had hoped,” Thorin conceded. 

Bilbo rolled his eyes. “You don’t say.”

He reached for the broom standing in a corner and approached the tree, ignoring the cookies that rained down on him.

“It is mine! Mine, mine, mine, mine, MINE!” Smaug hissed.

“It is _not_ yours, you smelly old lizard!” Bilbo retorted. “I made those decorations, I bought them, I had them given to me as presents. Now give them back and get out of my tree.”

Smaug watched him with his beady eyes. “You can have this one back,” he said, flinging an ornament made from acorns at Bilbo. “The rest is MINE.”

“I will have all of that back, and you will leave, thank you very much,” Bilbo said.

“No! All of this is my hoard! Nobody touches my gold!”

“Most of that is brass, with maybe some silver or some gold leaf,” Bilbo replied. “And none of it is yours.”

“It is!”

Bilbo tried to shove Smaug off the tree with the broom, but the dragon held on too tightly.

“Leave me _alone_! You will regret it if you don’t!”

“Bilbo, maybe you shouldn’t...” Thorin said from the door.

“Nonsense! This is my smial, my tree, my ornaments.” Bilbo shoved Smaug again.

Smaug sent out a flare of fire that hit one of the branches, burning the needles and making the branch and twigs shrivels and curl into orange embers. Luckily, the tree was still quite fresh and the small fire was starting to go out even before Thorin upended the bucket of water they had standing at ready in every room over it, leaving a puddle of water and ashes on the floor of the parlour.

“I am fire! I am death!” Smaug roared, the effect slightly ruined by the fact that he was a little out of breath. 

“You are a royal pain in the backside! And now _leave_ , before I...”

Bilbo was cut off by a loud knock on the door. 

Bilbo and Thorin looked at each other in panic. 

“She can’t already be here, can she? We invited her over for tea at four and it is barely half past three...”

“She can, and she is,” Bilbo said. He glared at Smaug. “You stay in here and don’t you dare cause any more chaos.”

“I am fire, I am death! I do not obey orders.”

“You will, or we will turn you into soup for dinner.”

Bilbo closed the door to the parlour behind him just as there was another series of knocks on the door to the smial.

“I don’t think he will taste particularly good,” Thorin whispered. “Probably rather leathery and with a burnt flavour.”

Bilbo snorted. “True, but it would be worth it if we were finally rid of that old fire hazard.”

He took a deep breath and opened the door.

“That took you long enough,” Lobelia complained, holding Fíli and Kíli by the ears. “These miscreants threw snowballs at me.”

Thorin bristled slightly at the way she was treating his nephews. “Fíli, Kíli, apologise.”

“I’m sorry, I won’t do it again,” the two of them grumbled as one.

Lobelia released them with a huff. “You’d better not. The two of you need a harder hand when teaching them manners.”

“We’ll do what we can,” Bilbo promised, waving the three of them in and winking at Fíli and Kíli when Lobelia wasn’t looking. They had been begging him to bake their favourite chocolate cake, and Bilbo suddenly felt inclined to give in and bake that cake tomorrow. 

“What a lovely surprise that you could make it so early,” Bilbo said as Thorin helped Lobelia out of her coat. “We weren’t expecting you until four.”

“Oh dear me, I must have remembered the time incorrectly,” Lobelia said with an entirely too sweet smile. “I didn’t mean to inconvenience you. I could go on a little walk until it is four....” She took off her scarf and hung it on a cloak pin.

“Don’t worry, tea is already ready,” Bilbo said, returning her overly sweet smile. 

For a brief moment, a flash of disappointment showed on Lobelia’s face that she hadn’t been able to inconvenience them more. She quickly regained control over her features and followed them.

“Let me just have a peak at your tree first,” Lobelia said, stepping towards the door to the parlour.

Thorin was quicker, planting himself between her and the door. “I’m afraid we haven’t quite finished decorating yet. You’ll have to come back tomorrow if you want to see it.”

Bilbo could see the moment Thorin realised that meant they would have her visiting again the next day, but it wasn’t to be helped. The alternative was much worse. As he ushered her towards the dining room, he could see Thorin’s hands fluttering in what could only be an account of what had happened to inform his nephews. 

 

Tea went fairly smoothly, considering that Lobelia was there. They all enjoyed Bilbo’s fruit scones with thick cream and jam, though Lobelia complained that Bilbo had been a bit to stingy on the raisins. 

Towards the end of tea time, Lobelia got out her Yuletide presents for them. 

The boys quickly unwrapped their presents and Bilbo was rather impressed with their ability to feign joy, and that after having seemed genuinely excited while unwrapping the presents. There simply wasn’t much excitement or joy to be had from one cookie and a ha’pence. Still, Fíli and Kíli thanked Lobelia as enthusiastically as if they had been playing this game their entire lives. 

Bilbo knew what his present was the moment he saw the lumpy shape of it. He wasn’t disappointed. It was the ugliest vase in the Shire, the one mathom that had made it into every smial in the Shire but only for exactly as long as the joyous new owners needed to find an occasion to hoist it onto someone else. Bilbo mentally began calculating to which of his more unpleasant relatives or neighbours he could delight with it. All while thanking Lobelia profoundly. 

Thorin turned out to have the hardest time with his present. Bilbo had to struggle to keep a straight face as Thorin unwrapped what had once clearly been Lobelia’s old lace curtains that she had been wanting to get rid of for ages. He held the altered curtains upside down and squinted at them.

“Thank you so much for this... um... piece of art. It is absolutely lovely,” Thorin tried.

Lobelia huffed and turned the lace around. “You are holding it upside down. And it’s not a piece of art, it is a practical new apron for the forge.”

Kíli snorted into his hot cocoa. Bilbo sent him a reproachful look.

“Of course it is!” Thorin tried to save the situation. “I just wanted to say that it is so artfully made that it might as well be a piece of art. It will be very... useful in the forge. Thank you so much.”

“You are more than welcome. I know how dangerous the work as a blacksmith can be and I wouldn’t want you to come to any harm.”

Thorin could definitely learn a thing or two about acting from his nephews, but at least he managed to keep his smile plastered on his face.

Thorin had made Lobelia a new umbrella and Bilbo had added the fabric to it. Thorin had made utterly sure that the tip was as rounded and well-padded as it could be, making it virtually useless as a weapon. Fíli and Kíli had baked her a large tin of cookies. At Bilbo’s insistence, they had even avoided using salt instead of sugar and hadn’t baked in any hairs or crumbs of dirt. Their suggestions had been rather creative.

“Why don’t you show Lobelia the new games you got from your Brandybuck uncles while we clear the table?” Bilbo suggested and the boys agreed while Lobelia pursed her lips.

Bilbo and Thorin quickly carried the plates and cups into the kitchen.

“Is she trying to _kill_ me?” Thorin asked in a whisper. “That ‘apron’ wouldn’t keep a single spark away from me in the forge, if it didn’t catch fire itself.”

Bilbo laughed. “I believe she is at least trying to create that impression. You know how little she approves of you and your nephews moving in here, lowering her chances of ever moving into Bag End herself.”

Thorin cast a worried glance towards the dining room where Fíli’s and Kíli’s laughter could be heard. “She wouldn’t resort to murder, would she?”

“No, I very much doubt it. That would make her much less respectable. Besides, being locked up in the Shiriff’s office would mean she couldn’t live here either.”

“That’s true. I just hope she will think things through properly instead of acting rashly,” Thorin said.

“Don’t worry, I’ll protect you from her,” Bilbo said with a grin and leaned up to plant a kiss on Thorin’s mouth.

“Uncle Thorin! Uncle Bilbo! Come quickly! She wouldn’t let us stop her!” Kíli rushed into the kitchen. 

There was a loud shriek from the direction of the parlour, but luckily, it sounded like Lobelia rather than Fíli. 

Bilbo ran towards the parlour to see how bad it was, followed by Thorin and Kíli. 

Lobelia was standing in the middle of the room, Fíli hovering uncertainly by her side. He stayed away just far enough that he wouldn’t be hit by flames should Smaug decide to spit fire again, for Smaug was clinging to Lobelia’s rather frilly dress. 

“I’m so sorry!” Bilbo exclaimed, wondering how he could defuse the situation. 

“What is this?!” Lobelia asked, her voice even more high-pitched than usual.

“It’s a dragon,” Bilbo said.

“Just a small one though,” Thorin added, joining him in stating the obvious.

“If you carefully take out any spoons you might have hidden away in your dress and throw them on the ground, he’ll leave you alone,” Bilbo suggested. 

“What are you... are you implying _I_ stole spoons?! Are you calling me a thief?! How dare you!”

“I’m just saying he will stop bothering you if you have nothing shiny on you.”

“Bothering me? But he’s adorable!”

“Adorable?” Bilbo asked blankly.

“Of course he’s adorable! Just look at those big eyes and his little face!”

“He’s a pest,” Kíli said. 

“How dare you horrible little brat say something awful like that about such a cute little dragon! Don’t listen to him, my little darling.”

She rubbed Smaug’s chin with her finger. Bilbo winced at how close her fingers were to his sharp little teeth, but Smaug leaned into her touch and half closed his beady little eyes in enjoyment.

“You smell so good,” he purred.

“Oh, aren’t you just charming!” Lobelia gushed as Fíli wrinkled his nose.

“I am fire! I am death!”

“And the best dragon in the entire Shire, if not in all of middle-earth!”

Smaug preened.

“Now where did you get such a delightful creature?” Lobelia asked Bilbo, still not being able to take her eyes off Smaug.

“Um, we were just letting in some fresh air the other day and Smaug here just flew inside and has refused to leave ever since, claiming things as his hoard.”

“I _knew_ you were hoarding chests upon chests of gold and jewels without giving your poor relatives any! That’s just not fair is it, my sweetest?”

“We don’t...” Bilbo started.

Smaug sneezed, sending sparks flying everywhere.

“Goodness me!” Lobelia exclaimed.

“He does that,” Fíli said. “He’s always setting everything on fire. My best practice sword, Kíli’s old wooden rocking horse, three chairs and a small table so far...”

“Now, now, that was just a little sneeze. That happens to the best of us every now and then,” Lobelia retorted. “Now give your nose a good blow.” 

She held one of her lacy handkerchiefs in front of his nose. Before any of them could do anymore than open their mouths to shout a warning, Smaug blew his nose, sending the handkerchief drifting to the floor in ashes. Thorin quickly stomped out the cinders.

“There, that’s much better now, isn’t it?” Lobelia asked Smaug and he cuddled up to her even more closely.

“I’ll tell you what,” Bilbo said, finally realising what an opportunity was just presenting itself. “You can keep whatever spoons you took as long as you take him with you. Unless any of you would prefer to keep Smaug here?”

Thorin and the boys hurriedly shook their heads.

“She can keep him.”

“He’s all hers. I’m sick of constantly putting out fires.”

“Would you like to come with me, Smaug? I’ll make you a nice bed in the cutlery drawer with all our new spoons.” Smaug nodded eagerly and Lobelia looked up at Bilbo. “Under one condition though.”

“And that would be?”

“You have to admit that I have the nicer Yule tree.”

Bilbo looked at the partially scorched tree, bare of decorations except for one branch which was bending dangerously under the heavy load. He sighed.

“Alright, you win. This year. Next year, we will win again.”

Lobelia looked as smug as if she had just won the prize piglet at the harvest fair. Smaug crawled up the frills and lace of her dress pausing to sniff at some of the spoon-shaped bulges before continuing his ascent until he managed to perch on her shoulder. He whispered something into her ear and she laughed and patted him on his scaly head.

“Go ahead.”

Smaug launched into the air and flew over to his hoard on the Yule tree, quickly starting to gather up all the decorations.

“Hey, that wasn’t part of the deal! Those are my decorations, I need those!” Bilbo protested.

Thorin stepped over to Bilbo and put a hand on his back. “Just let him, as long as he leaves. We’ll get new ones.”

Bilbo huffed, but let Thorin’s hand on his back calm him down, even when Lobelia stepped over to the tree to help Smaug take all the decorations along, looking so smug that Bilbo wanted to strangle her. 

“Better luck next year,” she said to Bilbo, smiling the sweetest smile he had ever seen on her face. 

Bilbo smiled back, even though he was sure the smile was horribly strained. He really had to practice keeping his calm.  
“Oh, don’t worry about me. After all, I live with a dwarf who specialises in decorations.” If swords, pots and pans counted as decorations, that was, but he didn’t have to tell Lobelia that. 

They brought Lobelia and Smaug to the door, all the while telling each other how very much they had enjoyed the visit and each other’s company.

“We’re completely out of spoons, aren’t we?” Thorin asked Bilbo as they watched Lobelia disappear around the corner of the snow-covered hill, Smaug perched on her shoulders. Fíli and Kíli threw a few snowballs vaguely in their direction. 

“I’m afraid so,” Bilbo replied. “Do you think we could have done a better job with Smaug? I do feel a bit sorry about not being nicer to him and he seemed friendly enough around Lobelia.”

“Don’t be. It takes a dragon to tame one.”

Bilbo chuckled. “Quite true. I just have a feeling we are going to regret introducing them to each other.”

“Oh, definitely,” Thorin agreed. “They are going to be the terror of the Shire together.”


End file.
